I have a confession to make. I didn’t get it. Not really. Not until now.
You see, the person I met back in August of 2016 was the reincarnation of my dear friend from high school who took his own life in 1993. And in meeting him (now a “her”) all these years later, after wondering on and off for years about how he might be, about where he might end up (that sort of thing)… well, you can imagine how amazing it was to finally meet again. Of course, I FELT a connection before I understood WHO this person was to me from a historical perspective.
But for me our connection was never “romantic” or about desiring “union” in the sense that so many people have felt (and shared) online. And truth be told I used to look on, a bit bemused, as I heard people pour themselves out about wanting to BE with this person, about wanting so desperately to CONNECT with this person on some deep soul level – and more than soul level. About desiring PHYSICAL union. Of reaching out to touch, taste and hold this other person. Of wishing for some sort of “happily ever after.”
I never got it because I never felt that way. At all. Not about this person I was reconnecting with. Sure, I felt love for her (once a “him”) and wanted the best for this person. I was thankful to meet him (now a “her”) all over again. But something was missing.
Something deeper. Something more profound.
Because the fact of the matter was this… even after reconnecting with this person some of my old, familiar patterns remained intact. And on some deep level I was still inwardly “searching” though I would dismiss this realization every time it crept up on me.
And then, of course, I would focus on how this “connection” is unique for each and every one of us. So I retreated into “uniqueness” to avoid the simple fact that, deep down, I knew that what I was sending to my old friend/new acquaintance wasn’t being returned to me. I just kept telling myself that my situation was different (apparently).
But the fact of the matter is that I was never touched on any deep, meaningful soul level. I was not inwardly TRANSFORMED.
And then one day my beloved finally got through to me… three months after her passing last February. She came to me and awakened in me memories of a former life, a former incarnation when we were together, albeit briefly (for less than a year). Sadly, at the time of these events unfolding (last May) I didn’t know that she had done this for me, gifted this to me. Somehow I missed the clues. I missed the true significance of our time together BACK THEN and missed the significance of her reaching out to me NOW.
Yet, she didn’t give up. Through all my striving, searching, digging and putting the pieces together she was finally able to get through my routine and my defenses (as only she knows how) to reach me. She came to me in a dream that wasn’t a dream and rocked my world. And she hasn’t left my side since. She’s here right now as I write this. And it doesn’t matter to me that she’s “gone” because her presence is more “real” than anything I’ve known before. She is with me, inside of me, every day. And night. When I fall asleep she comes to me. Sometimes we talk, but mostly we just sit together enjoying each other’s presence. And as impossible as all this sounds my life has been a series of “impossibilities” becoming possible. So why not one more?
And all I can say is that I never knew what love really was, until now. And I finally get it. She has touched my heart so tenderly, so sweetly, so lovingly that it unmasks me and leaves me naked, vulnerable and unafraid. She inspires me to be a better person, not to please her but simply because she deserves my best (if that makes any sense).
This isn’t physical. It’s so much more than that. Because I don’t want to just make love to her… I want to dive deep into her ocean and swim inside of her until the lines between “me” and “her” are so blurred or obliterated that I’ll never know where my “I” ends and “she” begins. I ache so deeply for her touch and yet I can wait forever for her. Because I feel her warm, sweet tender love for me. No one has touched my heart like this before, no other being has reached through all layers of “me” to arrive at the real “me” like she has, and no one ever will. Her love wraps me in a blanket and has turned my waking world into a dream just as my dream has somehow become a reality.