broken pieces

i used to test
the flame
of candles by pinching
them out
between thumb
and forefinger.
or hold my hand palm-
side down
inches
over the flickering wick,
just to see
how long pain
could be endured.

i always said no
before being asked a single
question.
because it was easier
to be
left alone
than opening a door
to possibility.

i chased
unavailable lovers,
pining for their affection.
and made
love
to every fantasy
on the screen.
somehow, it seemed
safer to live
in a dream
than cold
reality.

i sought solace
in drink.
felt my sanity
slip.
and thought
that nothing really
mattered.
until… one day,
it did.